Here is an incomplete list of things I wish people knew about me before they were allowed into my store:

1. At no point will I ever picture you using your toys or engaging with your media, so go ahead and give me some details so we can pick out the perfect pegging equipment. I want you to be safe and happy, and unfortunately, sex toys are not intuitive. I can really get verbally graphic about what you do with this particular toy and never once turn it into a mental image. Yes, I will show you how to use those electric shock nipple clamps, hand ‘em over!

2. I know exactly what I am talking about at all times. I have been engaging in some form of sex education for eight years. I read industry magazines every single month. I make it my business to know things about sex, porn, and toys. Please, just ask- I’m a professional. Related to…

3. Yes, I went to college, no, I am not disappointed in my job, no, I don’t feel shafted and useless, no, I am not one of those miserable unable-to-function millennials that you keep hearing about, and yes, I take my job very, very seriously. (The frustration I feel about people projecting their standards onto my life is the subject of a whole other post…)

4. I am personally invested in the work I do here. Sex is my hobby, religion, and profession. I don’t think you’re a freak and I am definitely not just a warm, disinterested body behind the counter. Don’t insult me- of course I care about (you, your fetish, your sex furniture, your g spot, your asshole, your bedroom, the perfect lubricant). However…

5. I work retail, not sex work (though some might say my job straddles a thin line between the two). I don’t want to go home with you and your girlfriend, I’m not consenting to be audience to your exhibitionism by virtue of working here, I don’t welcome commentary on my appearance (“But I’m complimenting you!” is not a valid excuse), I do not appreciate being objectified. I’m trying to work. This is a place of business. Do not tell me how great it is that you could throw me around like a ragdoll (this, verbatim, comes out of someone’s mouth at least once a month) because I’m such a *cute*little*tiny*thing!* Don’t ask me how tall I am or how much I weigh or why I try to hide behind these big glasses and messy hair. I mean seriously, fuck you. I know I’m hot, get over it. Keep it to yourself. Once again, this could be a post all on its own.

6. If you treat my store like a sideshow, I’m going to treat you like a child. (Note: Children are obviously not allowed in my store.)

7. 90% of the time, my job is just like any other retail job. Really.

I should be doing anything else in the world besides drinking beer and writing about sex toys but that’s why I’m a third wave housewife– because the dishes and laundry can wait when hedonism calls!

So let’s talk about the Vanity Vr9 by Jopen. Here’s the one we’ve got at the store for people to play with…
Jopen Vanity Vr9
The winner of our raffle will receive a pre-checked, charged Vr9, educational materials, and a few silicone-safe lubricant samples and goodies.

A few fast facts:
-Pure silicone, which means it is hypoallergenic, long-lasting, body-safe, and extremely hygienic.
-Powered by a rechargeable lithium ion battery, which means you never have to worry about the motor burning out because you used faulty batteries.
-Single function, multi-speed, with two independently controlled motors (one in each bulbous tip)
-Perfect for g-spot OR prostate stimulation (at the store, we always recommend using condoms over toys that will be used for multiple orifices, but silicone can be sterilized for extra safety!)
-This sucker retails for about $150! AND I AM GOING TO GIVE. ONE. TO. SOMEONE.

Yes, ladies, gentlemen, and non-binary folks, the Vr9 is going home with someone this week! Because the staff of Ontario Video & News just LOVES YOU THAT MUCH.

When you first take the Vr9 out of the box, you’re hit by the perfect silky-smooth surface and the conspicuous lack of bells, whistles, and obnoxious detailing. There’s no hard plastic, no big control interface, no lumps, bumps, or ridges– just two smooth, integrated buttons, each of which control one of the motors. Press a button once to turn on the corresponding motor- a quick click starts it off with a gentle hum- click it again to turn off the motor, or hold it down to increase the speed. Don’t be shy with this one- it packs a punch and remains very, very quiet, even with both motors going at top speed.

The motorized tips of this toy are angled to hit the g-spot, but as with all curved toys, it also makes a great focused clit simulator (and it will save your arms, neck, and back from reaching allllllll the way down with that little pocket rocket or bullet!), but my first thought was, “PROSTATE VIBE!” So while we’re giving it away on Ladies Night, this is a great toy for anyone with a g-spot or prostate gland, gender be damned. The body of the toy is slightly flexible to adjust to various body types and provide a little extra pressure; it also means that if you like a pulsating vibration, it is VERY easy to bend and tap or bounce against your erogenous zones to substitute for a pulsation function. I bet the small end of this toy would be the perfect companion for oral sex- so inconspicuous! Just slide it in to hit the prostate or g-spot and go to town!

Are you excited? I am! So come by tomorrow, details here and you could take home the Vr9!

Good luck!

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