Dear readers (all three of you), today, I present a guest post from my good friend and kinky cohort CrowofEcstasy. I briefly touched on the problematic representation of kink in Fifty Shades, but I wanted an inside perspective,┬áso I asked CrowofEcstasy to contribute to the conversation. With enviable brevity, he sums up the very heart of the issue, and I’m thrilled to have his words on my site. Without further adieu…

Please Don’t Tell Me You Love 50 Shades

Please don’t tell me you love 50 Shades of Grey. Please, just don’t.
I’ve heard from friends about their coworkers and vanilla friends becoming interested in kink and kink societies because of the 50 Shades series. The thought of encountering these converts fills me with dread.

Allow me to explain. When I read passages from the 50 Shades series, I felt physically ill. The D/s dynamic is abusively established and so very problematic. There’re adults sucking on children’s fingers. It’s sickening. I don’t want people who consider those things okay to be around me. Whether they want to coerce in real life, or to be coerced, I don’t feel safe around players without an understanding and respect for informed consent.

Also, there is a lot of judgment that gets bandied about in kink groups. People tend to police others based on whether or not they think the other person’s kink is acceptable. I fear 50 Shades lovers will bring more of that judgment to the table, because the kink in the series is so very… vanilla. 50 Shades of Grey is supposed to be kinky, but I was hard pressed to find any. Butt plugs and ben wa balls? How is that kinky? Spankings and feeling shocked to have someone touch you… down there? Is it kinky to be shamed by your own body?

50 Shades also lists unacceptable actions, which are pretty mild. Fire play, the presence of blood, fisting— these are all unacceptable. They are also common in kink communities. I am a sadomasochist. I like blood, I like bruises. I love giving and receiving pain. I don’t want to be trying to play around people shocked by kink harder than a spanking. Especially if those people find the seduction of the naive to be acceptable. The people present during play do affect a scene even if they aren’t actively a part of it. I want no shocked gasps or tittering over simple BDSM staples.

So, don’t tell me you love 50 Shades of Grey. I will assume that you are an unsafe and inexperienced player. I will brace myself for your condemnation and naivety. Don’t tell me you love 50 Shades of Grey— odds are that I’ll respect you less.


I had a post all ready to go. I spent about two days working on it, intermittently, confident that I was about to put the subject to rest. I’d gotten to the point of writing in all my html tags and what have you. But after the ten-thousandth read through that post, I decided I wasn’t satisfied, and that finishing it off could wait until today.

That post, and this post, are about Fifty Shades of Grey. A couple of days ago, when I got to work, I thought about asking my co-worker to read my post and give me some feedback. Instead, we flipped through Fifty Shades of Grey behind the counter.
Continue reading »

I get a lot of questions about lube, so hopefully this can serve as an all-purpose reference post on the stuff. I address the primary factors to consider when selecting a lube and my personal favorites.

Water Vs. Oil Vs. Silicone
These categories refer to the “base” or primary ingredient in lubricant.

Water- common and safe for all uses (can be used orally, anally, vaginally, and on any type of toy without an issue, barring sensitivity to a secondary ingredient). Will dry off on its own or be absorbed into the skin, so clean up is no problem.

Oil- Can be used on the penis, for body massage, OR anally if no latex products are present and preferably when the anus in question is not located near a vagina. You know what? Just use it on penises, okay? I don’t have the energy to explain the ideal “putting crisco on your bhole” situation. Baby oil and Vaseline are both oil-based products that are sometimes used as oil-based lubricants, but you should rid yourself of the idea that this is okay (it’s not!). Washes off with soap and water, degrades latex, and when not cleaned up can provide the ideal breeding ground for bacteria. Not a friend of vaginas.

Silicone- The longest lasting, smoothest type of lubricant, can be used in any and all holes and on toys that DO NOT CONTAIN SILICONE (glass and metal, for example). Waterproof, too, for shower fun. Comes off with soap and water, hypoallergenic. Once again, do not use silicone lube with silicone toys or toys of unknown materials. Also stains some fabric so be careful!

Hybrid Lube- Contains a mixture of water and silicone, supposedly offering the best of both worlds. Sometimes advertised as safe to use on silicone toys, but TW doesn’t play games with her sex toys and thinks you should just put a condom over them if you want to use silicone or hybrid lubes with your silicone toys.


Lubricant comes as liquid, gel, and “lotion.” Liquid lubricant is great as an all-purpose lube, or when you just need a teeny tiny bit of help. Gel is ideal for anal use, as it can cushion the delicate rectal tissue from damage and is better at staying in place and slippery than liquid lube. To keep gel lubricant from drying out in the tube, squeeze all the air out after you use it. Lotion lube, like Doc Johnson’s Anal Lube and Liquid Silk lube is very concentrated and silky, so a little goes a long way. It is more comparable to liquid lube than gel lube, as it slides on in a thin layer.

Fancy Schmancy Hot/Cold/Sweet/Tart

Lubricants that advertise as warming, cooling, tingling, or flavored are self-explanatory as to their function. However, I’d like to clarify that flavored lube is for sucking dicks. Period. Do nothing else with it. Slather it on and lick it off, and then WASH THE AFOREMENTIONED DICK before putting it in things. Do not put flavored lube in vaginas or anuses, as it may act as a harbinger of yeast infections, especially if used vaginally. In fact, anyone with sensitive body parts should avoid lubricant with any bells and whistles like those I mentioned.


Sliquid has been an industry leader in sensitive, organic lubricants, and if that’s your thing, go nuts. However, I am a Vie Lube evangelist. Not to put too fine a point on this, but Vie Ultrasensitive Liquid feels like straight up pussy juice (REALLY YOU GUYS IT DOES). A customer recently lowered her eyes and told me Vie was “the most natural thing I’ve ever felt in my life…” Vie also makes silicone liquid, if you happen to be allergic to/unhappy about propylene glycol. Their silicone-water blend makes me drool just looking at it- so thick!

In general, look for lubricant that contains the fewest ingredients possible. Pay close attention to mineral and plant oils, parabens, aspartame, sweeteners, and glycerin (by the way- glycerin is not sugar. Glycerin is not the main culprit in yeast infections caused by lube. What glycerin can do is draw water into the mucus membranes and lower the pH of the vagina or rectum. So still avoid it if you’re sensitive, but y’all, it is not a sugar.) if you have sensitive skin or a finicky vagina.

More to be added as the need develops…

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