Here is an incomplete list of things I wish people knew about me before they were allowed into my store:

1. At no point will I ever picture you using your toys or engaging with your media, so go ahead and give me some details so we can pick out the perfect pegging equipment. I want you to be safe and happy, and unfortunately, sex toys are not intuitive. I can really get verbally graphic about what you do with this particular toy and never once turn it into a mental image. Yes, I will show you how to use those electric shock nipple clamps, hand ‘em over!

2. I know exactly what I am talking about at all times. I have been engaging in some form of sex education for eight years. I read industry magazines every single month. I make it my business to know things about sex, porn, and toys. Please, just ask- I’m a professional. Related to…

3. Yes, I went to college, no, I am not disappointed in my job, no, I don’t feel shafted and useless, no, I am not one of those miserable unable-to-function millennials that you keep hearing about, and yes, I take my job very, very seriously. (The frustration I feel about people projecting their standards onto my life is the subject of a whole other post…)

4. I am personally invested in the work I do here. Sex is my hobby, religion, and profession. I don’t think you’re a freak and I am definitely not just a warm, disinterested body behind the counter. Don’t insult me- of course I care about (you, your fetish, your sex furniture, your g spot, your asshole, your bedroom, the perfect lubricant). However…

5. I work retail, not sex work (though some might say my job straddles a thin line between the two). I don’t want to go home with you and your girlfriend, I’m not consenting to be audience to your exhibitionism by virtue of working here, I don’t welcome commentary on my appearance (“But I’m complimenting you!” is not a valid excuse), I do not appreciate being objectified. I’m trying to work. This is a place of business. Do not tell me how great it is that you could throw me around like a ragdoll (this, verbatim, comes out of someone’s mouth at least once a month) because I’m such a *cute*little*tiny*thing!* Don’t ask me how tall I am or how much I weigh or why I try to hide behind these big glasses and messy hair. I mean seriously, fuck you. I know I’m hot, get over it. Keep it to yourself. Once again, this could be a post all on its own.

6. If you treat my store like a sideshow, I’m going to treat you like a child. (Note: Children are obviously not allowed in my store.)

7. 90% of the time, my job is just like any other retail job. Really.

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