Hey girl….I’ve recently discovered my husband likes ass play…it gets me hot as hell too, but all we have is one largish vibe…which I feel I don’t have much control of….rec’s? Should we just get a catalogue and go nuts?

EEEEEEEEE! I’m so excited for you!

First, let me direct you to Lube 101 because above all else, ass play requires good lube.

Since you say you just started, I’m going to try to compile a quick list of toy essentials that are perennially fun, but will also help you and your husband figure out just what kind of anal stimulation he likes. From there, you can move on to a few high-quality toys that suit his ass best (I’ve also included recommendations for these.) Continue reading »

or “If You Don’t Want to Be Labeled an Asshole then You Shouldn’t Open Your Mouth”  (Alternate title was a co-worker’s contribution. Thanks, Leo!)

To the customer who came in toward the end of my shift and instantly inspired rage, I’m sorry. I was a little short with you. What you said was, in the grand scheme of things, pretty innocuous. It really bothered me, but I could have handled it better.

Allow me to explain: most people who work in retail have a number of annoying encounters in a day, and though it’s to be expected, it doesn’t always roll right off of us instantaneously. We are, contrary to popular belief, people, so even if we keep a stiff upper lip and continue doing our jobs in the face of customers getting rude/huffy/inappropriate with us, some of us are still raging on the inside. If you’re a woman (or read as a woman), and you work a retail job, you take a special kind of abuse: people constantly objectify you and say inappropriate things (as they are wont to do to women in all contexts), and because it is your job to smile and be nice to people, you have few ways of responding that are polite, yet effective at shutting down the inappropriate commentary.

I have a canned responses to all sorts of things that people say to me. “Please don’t comment on my appearance.” “That’s a rather inappropriate question to ask a stranger.” “Please treat me like a clerk, not an object.” “I’m just here to work.” “Don’t say things like that.”

Here’s a tiny handful of things people have said to me today, this week, this month, and repeatedly over the last year in my store:

This morning a man interrupted me, mid-sentence, and said, “Has anyone ever told you how pretty you are?” Yes. All the time.

Yesterday, as I sat behind the counter taking my first few sips of coffee, a man walked out of the store and said, as he did, “How’d you like the rain this morning?” Then he added, narrowing his eyes and looking back at me, “Did you get all wet?” It was 8:20 AM.
Continue reading »

Dear readers (all three of you), today, I present a guest post from my good friend and kinky cohort CrowofEcstasy. I briefly touched on the problematic representation of kink in Fifty Shades, but I wanted an inside perspective, so I asked CrowofEcstasy to contribute to the conversation. With enviable brevity, he sums up the very heart of the issue, and I’m thrilled to have his words on my site. Without further adieu…

Please Don’t Tell Me You Love 50 Shades

Please don’t tell me you love 50 Shades of Grey. Please, just don’t.
I’ve heard from friends about their coworkers and vanilla friends becoming interested in kink and kink societies because of the 50 Shades series. The thought of encountering these converts fills me with dread.

Allow me to explain. When I read passages from the 50 Shades series, I felt physically ill. The D/s dynamic is abusively established and so very problematic. There’re adults sucking on children’s fingers. It’s sickening. I don’t want people who consider those things okay to be around me. Whether they want to coerce in real life, or to be coerced, I don’t feel safe around players without an understanding and respect for informed consent.

Also, there is a lot of judgment that gets bandied about in kink groups. People tend to police others based on whether or not they think the other person’s kink is acceptable. I fear 50 Shades lovers will bring more of that judgment to the table, because the kink in the series is so very… vanilla. 50 Shades of Grey is supposed to be kinky, but I was hard pressed to find any. Butt plugs and ben wa balls? How is that kinky? Spankings and feeling shocked to have someone touch you… down there? Is it kinky to be shamed by your own body?

50 Shades also lists unacceptable actions, which are pretty mild. Fire play, the presence of blood, fisting— these are all unacceptable. They are also common in kink communities. I am a sadomasochist. I like blood, I like bruises. I love giving and receiving pain. I don’t want to be trying to play around people shocked by kink harder than a spanking. Especially if those people find the seduction of the naive to be acceptable. The people present during play do affect a scene even if they aren’t actively a part of it. I want no shocked gasps or tittering over simple BDSM staples.

So, don’t tell me you love 50 Shades of Grey. I will assume that you are an unsafe and inexperienced player. I will brace myself for your condemnation and naivety. Don’t tell me you love 50 Shades of Grey— odds are that I’ll respect you less.

CrowofEcstasy

I had a post all ready to go. I spent about two days working on it, intermittently, confident that I was about to put the subject to rest. I’d gotten to the point of writing in all my html tags and what have you. But after the ten-thousandth read through that post, I decided I wasn’t satisfied, and that finishing it off could wait until today.

That post, and this post, are about Fifty Shades of Grey. A couple of days ago, when I got to work, I thought about asking my co-worker to read my post and give me some feedback. Instead, we flipped through Fifty Shades of Grey behind the counter.
Continue reading »

I get a lot of questions about lube, so hopefully this can serve as an all-purpose reference post on the stuff. I address the primary factors to consider when selecting a lube and my personal favorites.

Water Vs. Oil Vs. Silicone
These categories refer to the “base” or primary ingredient in lubricant.

Water- common and safe for all uses (can be used orally, anally, vaginally, and on any type of toy without an issue, barring sensitivity to a secondary ingredient). Will dry off on its own or be absorbed into the skin, so clean up is no problem.

Oil- Can be used on the penis, for body massage, OR anally if no latex products are present and preferably when the anus in question is not located near a vagina. You know what? Just use it on penises, okay? I don’t have the energy to explain the ideal “putting crisco on your bhole” situation. Baby oil and Vaseline are both oil-based products that are sometimes used as oil-based lubricants, but you should rid yourself of the idea that this is okay (it’s not!). Washes off with soap and water, degrades latex, and when not cleaned up can provide the ideal breeding ground for bacteria. Not a friend of vaginas.

Silicone- The longest lasting, smoothest type of lubricant, can be used in any and all holes and on toys that DO NOT CONTAIN SILICONE (glass and metal, for example). Waterproof, too, for shower fun. Comes off with soap and water, hypoallergenic. Once again, do not use silicone lube with silicone toys or toys of unknown materials. Also stains some fabric so be careful!

Hybrid Lube- Contains a mixture of water and silicone, supposedly offering the best of both worlds. Sometimes advertised as safe to use on silicone toys, but TW doesn’t play games with her sex toys and thinks you should just put a condom over them if you want to use silicone or hybrid lubes with your silicone toys.

Viscosity

Lubricant comes as liquid, gel, and “lotion.” Liquid lubricant is great as an all-purpose lube, or when you just need a teeny tiny bit of help. Gel is ideal for anal use, as it can cushion the delicate rectal tissue from damage and is better at staying in place and slippery than liquid lube. To keep gel lubricant from drying out in the tube, squeeze all the air out after you use it. Lotion lube, like Doc Johnson’s Anal Lube and Liquid Silk lube is very concentrated and silky, so a little goes a long way. It is more comparable to liquid lube than gel lube, as it slides on in a thin layer.

Fancy Schmancy Hot/Cold/Sweet/Tart

Lubricants that advertise as warming, cooling, tingling, or flavored are self-explanatory as to their function. However, I’d like to clarify that flavored lube is for sucking dicks. Period. Do nothing else with it. Slather it on and lick it off, and then WASH THE AFOREMENTIONED DICK before putting it in things. Do not put flavored lube in vaginas or anuses, as it may act as a harbinger of yeast infections, especially if used vaginally. In fact, anyone with sensitive body parts should avoid lubricant with any bells and whistles like those I mentioned.

Recommendations

Sliquid has been an industry leader in sensitive, organic lubricants, and if that’s your thing, go nuts. However, I am a Vie Lube evangelist. Not to put too fine a point on this, but Vie Ultrasensitive Liquid feels like straight up pussy juice (REALLY YOU GUYS IT DOES). A customer recently lowered her eyes and told me Vie was “the most natural thing I’ve ever felt in my life…” Vie also makes silicone liquid, if you happen to be allergic to/unhappy about propylene glycol. Their silicone-water blend makes me drool just looking at it- so thick!

In general, look for lubricant that contains the fewest ingredients possible. Pay close attention to mineral and plant oils, parabens, aspartame, sweeteners, and glycerin (by the way- glycerin is not sugar. Glycerin is not the main culprit in yeast infections caused by lube. What glycerin can do is draw water into the mucus membranes and lower the pH of the vagina or rectum. So still avoid it if you’re sensitive, but y’all, it is not a sugar.) if you have sensitive skin or a finicky vagina.

More to be added as the need develops…

I want to buy a new toy! Something with gspot and clit stimulation that packs a pretty good punch without having to be plugged into the wall. Ideally under $100, but if you have a super great recommendation that is a little more than that, I’m all ears.

I take it you are looking for a rabbit! I’m also going to address “clamp” vibes because they have a similar function, but rabbits first. I picked three rabbits that I dig for various reasons; they are all different sizes and price ranges, as well. They have in common that they do most of the standard jack rabbit stuff- clit bullet, rotating shaft, beads, bumps, bells, whistles, etc. This is generally what people expect of rabbits, and despite not being the prettiest toys out there, people absolutely love them. As always, if you live in the region, pay me a visit for a (fully clothed) test drive and a shopping trip. When purchasing a rabbit, be aware that even the best bunny money can buy can fall flat if your anatomy just doesn’t line up with the relevant buzzy bits on the toy (don’t you wish there was a standard way of measuring the distance between your clit and g-spot, and that toys advertised their “range” in that measurement? A girl can dream) and that’s part of the reason I picked three different sized rabbits- hopefully one will be the right size for someone reading this.

Three rabbits I dig: Continue reading »

With the release of the Smart Wand, I take it Lelo is trying to muscle in on the market for that classic clitoral power tool the Hitachi Magic Wand, but that’s a hard product to beat. The main drawback to the Smart Wand as compared to the Magic Wand is that it comes with slightly less power and a significantly higher price tag. For a toy that became popular for its unrivaled power, a competitor that doesn’t stack up in that regard seems like a failure. There are also no Lelo-approved attachments for the Smart Wand, at the time of this publication (could you slap on a Hitachi attachment? Uh, let me know if that works for you because I have no idea). However, I’d like to offer a few very good reasons to replace your Hitachi with a Lelo…

1. Materials- The Hitachi Magic wand is made of…well…do you even know? With so much buzz about phthalates, I’m surprised that the Hitachi Magic Wand has largely escaped this absolutely valid criticism. Hitachi’s power tool has been the same for years and years, and was created far before phthalates were considered a concern in sex toys (related to point #2…). Even assuming it does not contain phthalates or that it is not a concern because the Magic Wand is an external toy, still, what the hell is that head made of? Some kind of…coated foam? Come on, we can do better than that. The Lelo Smart Wand, like all of Lelo’s products, is covered in pure, safe silicone, so you know it is phthalate free and body safe. You can also sterilize it with bleach and know this heavy-duty cleaning won’t damage your product. Silicone is a clean, safe material for sex toys, and that’s what you’re getting with Lelo. And isn’t it nice to share? With the Smart Wand, you can do so safely!

2. Honesty- So we all know the Hitachi Magic Wand is a vibrator. Massager? Hee hee! Aren’t those oh-so-80s pictures on the box hilarious? But Hitachi is not a sex toy company, and the magic wand was never explicitly marketed or designed for use on the genitals. Would you trust Sony or Mitsubishi to make one isolated sex toy? Lelo, on the other hand, is ONLY concerned with adult products. The Smart Wand, therefore, is made with full acknowledgment and concern about using it around your junk.

3. Convenience- While the wall plug is what lends the Hitachi Magic Wand its extreme power, it also places the toy on a short leash. And while leashes can be sexy, your masturbation session coming to a screeching, infuriating halt because you accidentally yanked your vibrator out of the wall socket is not sexy. It it shitty. You know what is totally not shitty? Masturbating, unfettered by cords and wires, even in the shower. Smart Wand has got you covered.

4. Functions!!!- This probably won’t be terribly convincing for a lot of die-hard Magic Wand fans. A lot of people can’t climax without very strong, constant stimulation, and the vibrations offered by the Hitachi Magic Wand are unbeatable to that end. So if functions, for you, are just distracting, go ahead and skip down to point #5. But pulsation! And waves! And low vibrations! The Magic Wand is for someone who knows they want simple and serious. The Smart Wand has broader appeal and is a toy that will “grow” with the user’s preferences. Low vibrations for the beginner, all the way up to the big guns for serious vibrator aficionados. And ironically, the Lelo Smart Wand strikes me as a lot more useful as an honest to god massager for sore muscles than the Hitachi Magic Wand.

5. Voting with your wallet- When you buy from Lelo, you support respect for the adult industry, a guarantee of quality, green production standards, and everything else you’d expect from a respected high-end toy company. As I said before, it is worth considering that when you buy a toy from Hitachi or another non-adult-specific company, you aren’t getting the same dedication to the craft of the sex toy, nor are you going to get the same production and safety standards. Lelo toys come with quality guarantees and an impressive family line of much-loved vibrators of all stripes.

And by the way, I’m not trying to slander the classic Magic Wand. I just don’t think enough attention has been paid to some serious perks that come with the Smart Wand, and I felt very much the same way about the Tiani (and the inevitable comparisons to the WeVibe). I’m mostly hearing “uh but it’s not as powerful?” without an accompanying chorus of positive voices. You guys…the Smart Wand is good fun. Go get one.

Here is an incomplete list of things I wish people knew about me before they were allowed into my store:

1. At no point will I ever picture you using your toys or engaging with your media, so go ahead and give me some details so we can pick out the perfect pegging equipment. I want you to be safe and happy, and unfortunately, sex toys are not intuitive. I can really get verbally graphic about what you do with this particular toy and never once turn it into a mental image. Yes, I will show you how to use those electric shock nipple clamps, hand ‘em over!

2. I know exactly what I am talking about at all times. I have been engaging in some form of sex education for eight years. I read industry magazines every single month. I make it my business to know things about sex, porn, and toys. Please, just ask- I’m a professional. Related to…

3. Yes, I went to college, no, I am not disappointed in my job, no, I don’t feel shafted and useless, no, I am not one of those miserable unable-to-function millennials that you keep hearing about, and yes, I take my job very, very seriously. (The frustration I feel about people projecting their standards onto my life is the subject of a whole other post…)

4. I am personally invested in the work I do here. Sex is my hobby, religion, and profession. I don’t think you’re a freak and I am definitely not just a warm, disinterested body behind the counter. Don’t insult me- of course I care about (you, your fetish, your sex furniture, your g spot, your asshole, your bedroom, the perfect lubricant). However…

5. I work retail, not sex work (though some might say my job straddles a thin line between the two). I don’t want to go home with you and your girlfriend, I’m not consenting to be audience to your exhibitionism by virtue of working here, I don’t welcome commentary on my appearance (“But I’m complimenting you!” is not a valid excuse), I do not appreciate being objectified. I’m trying to work. This is a place of business. Do not tell me how great it is that you could throw me around like a ragdoll (this, verbatim, comes out of someone’s mouth at least once a month) because I’m such a *cute*little*tiny*thing!* Don’t ask me how tall I am or how much I weigh or why I try to hide behind these big glasses and messy hair. I mean seriously, fuck you. I know I’m hot, get over it. Keep it to yourself. Once again, this could be a post all on its own.

6. If you treat my store like a sideshow, I’m going to treat you like a child. (Note: Children are obviously not allowed in my store.)

7. 90% of the time, my job is just like any other retail job. Really.

Oh Tiani, you beautiful, sleek, sexy thing- you’re fantastic!

This should come as a surprise to absolutely nobody, but the Lelo Tiani is one amazing combination of form, function, and fun. We got one at Ontario Video and News the very day that we sold our last little Swedish silicone wonder, the Lelo Siri, and I couldn’t wait to charge it up and give it a whirl (just in my hands, of course!).

Two Lelo Tiani vibrators

As soon as I opened the box, the elegant black case a harbinger of the beauty inside, my pulse quickened; though I never judge a sex toy by its package (or a book by its cover), opening a Lelo toy always feels like opening a luxurious gift from a lover. Under the lid, nestled in carved out spaces in a flocked black block, lay the deceptively small, simple Tiani, a metallic Insignia pin, and the toy’s glitzy yet classy metallic gold remote control. Friends, Romans, countrymen, I was truly taken aback– who doesn’t love great presentation? I know I do! My co-worker and I stared down in reverence, running our fingers over the silky smooth silicone. I immediately dumped out the contents of the rest of the box, plugged in Tiani’s little head, and began an agonizing two hour wait for the battery to charge.

Before I proceed, I should clarify that I’m serious as a heart attack about my strong reactions to this toy: I love sex toys, I love giving people what they want, I love gadgets, and hey, I also love the color purple, so Tiani was more or less made to blow my mind. I am also talking about Tiani here, not Tiani 2– we don’t have one of those yet. So if any of this is no longer the case with the updated Tiani, my apologies- I’m just behind the times!

Tiani makes use of an accelerometer in its remote control, technology you’d recognize in, for example, the iPhone. This makes it possible for the remote to sense its own position and general movement. This is the key to Tiani’s first two functions. Upon turning it on and linking the toy and the remote, Tiani will buzz at 10% power. Keep the remote flat in the palm of your hand and it will remain at this power; tilt it, and the intensity of vibration will increase. With the remote totally vertical, Tiani will buzz at 100% intensity. The remote is surprisingly sensitive, though occasionally slow to respond. In this first mode, subtle movements of the hand are more than enough to deliver a surprise jolt of power to Tiani’s vibrating head.

Click the center Insignia button and you’ll proceed to the second vibration mode. In this mode, shaking, tossing, or rolling the remote will produce a unique pattern of vibration in Tiani. When the remote is perfectly still, so is Tiani, but give the remote a shake and Tiani will vibrate at full intensity, coming back to a full stop in a few seconds. It is tough to explain how fun these motion-sensitive controls are, so to understand the full potential of this vibration mode, you’ll have to make your way to the friendly neighborhood sex shop and ask for a test drive.

After these motion-sensitive modes come six patterns of vibration, all of which can be set to higher and lower intensities using the plus and minus buttons on the remote. The remote mirrors all vibration in the toy, which is perfect for when a lover is operating the toy for you; the remote can also be set to remain still in vibration modes 3-8, which eliminates the possible distraction of the vibrating remote in your hand.

The Insignia pin, though it initially seems a frivolous addition to the box, presents an interesting possibility: my manager pointed out that if you wear the pin out of the house (with Tiani in your pants), you can engage in some secret exhibitionism. Savvy folks on the street will see the pin, know you are wearing a Lelo toy, and can take in the sight of you trying to contain your ecstasy on the subway, or at the grocery store, or a bar. Intrigued? Here are some ideas…

Go dancing.
Put on Tiani, some tight, lacy undies, give your date the remote, and set it to vibration mode two. In fact, go ahead and strap the remote onto your date’s crotch or underwear and you’ll both be in for lots of surprises on the dance floor.

Show off at dinner.
Same setup as “Go dancing” but give your date complete control over the remote. You’ll never know when Tiani may start buzzing away.

Run your errands.
Same setup, but toss the remote in your pocket or purse. Running to catch the bus? Stopping short in the car? Tossing your bag down at the DMV? I’m sure this will spice up your everyday tasks. As a sex toy enthusiast, I just don’t think errands should be boring when Tiani is out there…

Stay home.
Pick up a set of bed restraints and whatever other gear you desire, tie yourself or your lover up, and engage in a little playful tease and torture from across the room.

Now I’d like to address a few common complaints I have seen and heard regarding Tiani.

“The WeVibe is better!”
The WeVibe is different. Vibration travels very well through Tiani’s internal arm, so particularly for people who only need a little nudge to climax during intercourse, I’m sure Tiani’s single motor is more than enough. A large percentage of people only use vibrating toys externally anyway, so Tiani places a single motor where it is most likely to be needed. I can easily see how the WeVibe’s powerful dual motors would be too much for certain users, and also how Tiani’s single motor would be too little for others. I’ve never had the chance to charge up and play with a WeVibe so I can’t speak to its possibilities as a sneaky exhibitionist vibe, but I will say that Lelo has been consistently praised for its excellent toys year in and year out, so Tiani is an addition to growing tradition of excellence. I promise Tiani is still awesome, even if you really wanted those dual motors.

“The remote is so confusing!
This one I won’t argue. Tiani is not the toy for the technologically challenged. There is much room for improvement with the control interface, particularly the vibrating remote. A quicker way of turning off the vibrations in the remote would be quite welcome. The minimalism in the remote is the only factor which seems like a sacrifice of function in the name of design. But if you tend to be an early adopter of new technologies and you love gadgets, this toy is unbeatable. I also understand that the updated Tiani 2 can be controlled without the remote.

“It won’t work without the remote!”
This has been remedied with a built-in control interface in the toy for Tiani 2.

“It doesn’t work through clothes!”
To test this complaint, I balled up Tiani in a sweater, held the remote out at arm’s length, and gave it a whirl. It worked fine. I can see how this could be dodgy, but the one at my store worked alright, even on old batteries and a limited charge. I vote you take your pants off and get over it.

Even given a few legitimate complaints, if you know what you’re in for with Tiani, it is certainly worth the money you’ll spend on it. When you purchase a Lelo product, you are supporting a higher standard of pleasure products (high quality toys, unparalleled respect for the industry and product, product guarantees, safe materials, etc) in addition to green production standards. Buy it from us and you’re supporting an independently owned brick and mortar sex shop staffed by the most helpful, knowledgeable clerks in the land.

Tiani is currently in stock at Ontario Video and News, and I would love to give you a demonstration of this fun little toy before you take it home. Catch me on the right night of the week and maybe I’d love to make you a deal, too. Round out your purchase with a set of bed restraints, a soft blindfold, and the perfectly minimalist Hypersensitive Water Based V Lube by Icon Brands.

Until next time…may your vice be nice.

I should be doing anything else in the world besides drinking beer and writing about sex toys but that’s why I’m a third wave housewife– because the dishes and laundry can wait when hedonism calls!

So let’s talk about the Vanity Vr9 by Jopen. Here’s the one we’ve got at the store for people to play with…
Jopen Vanity Vr9
The winner of our raffle will receive a pre-checked, charged Vr9, educational materials, and a few silicone-safe lubricant samples and goodies.

A few fast facts:
-Pure silicone, which means it is hypoallergenic, long-lasting, body-safe, and extremely hygienic.
-Powered by a rechargeable lithium ion battery, which means you never have to worry about the motor burning out because you used faulty batteries.
-Single function, multi-speed, with two independently controlled motors (one in each bulbous tip)
-Perfect for g-spot OR prostate stimulation (at the store, we always recommend using condoms over toys that will be used for multiple orifices, but silicone can be sterilized for extra safety!)
-This sucker retails for about $150! AND I AM GOING TO GIVE. ONE. TO. SOMEONE.

Yes, ladies, gentlemen, and non-binary folks, the Vr9 is going home with someone this week! Because the staff of Ontario Video & News just LOVES YOU THAT MUCH.

When you first take the Vr9 out of the box, you’re hit by the perfect silky-smooth surface and the conspicuous lack of bells, whistles, and obnoxious detailing. There’s no hard plastic, no big control interface, no lumps, bumps, or ridges– just two smooth, integrated buttons, each of which control one of the motors. Press a button once to turn on the corresponding motor- a quick click starts it off with a gentle hum- click it again to turn off the motor, or hold it down to increase the speed. Don’t be shy with this one- it packs a punch and remains very, very quiet, even with both motors going at top speed.

The motorized tips of this toy are angled to hit the g-spot, but as with all curved toys, it also makes a great focused clit simulator (and it will save your arms, neck, and back from reaching allllllll the way down with that little pocket rocket or bullet!), but my first thought was, “PROSTATE VIBE!” So while we’re giving it away on Ladies Night, this is a great toy for anyone with a g-spot or prostate gland, gender be damned. The body of the toy is slightly flexible to adjust to various body types and provide a little extra pressure; it also means that if you like a pulsating vibration, it is VERY easy to bend and tap or bounce against your erogenous zones to substitute for a pulsation function. I bet the small end of this toy would be the perfect companion for oral sex- so inconspicuous! Just slide it in to hit the prostate or g-spot and go to town!

Are you excited? I am! So come by tomorrow, details here and you could take home the Vr9!

Good luck!

© 2013 THIRD WAVE HOUSEWIFE Suffusion theme by Sayontan Sinha